I am inspired to work on this piece because of some personal events that exploded into my world and because of this course I am taking in school that is about inclusion. For this course we read the book, Freedom Writers and in it, it states that too often cruelty is met with cruelty and hate is matched with hate. When fire is fought with fire there is only a larger fire to contend with. The only way to combat inhumane acts of violence is to meet this violence with kindness. I intend to do this in the future as a teacher and for this piece I will be doing it by marking acts of inhumanity I witness with my 'pieces of humanity'. Each instance I encounter where I sense hurt, I will document on this blog or in my journal. I will let these acts of shameful cruelty accumulate. I will then create a chain made of a translucent, delicate paper marked with the words I write in my journal. Each link in the chain will be a mark of injustices, tied together these words will resound anew as what I hope to be voices for change. I will commence this project today August 3, 2010.
Injustices:
A boy at camp called another camper gay as a derogatory term.
My dad is suffering.
My friend is suffering and in pain for things she did not ask for nor does she deserve.
A girl at camp called another boy a retard.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Updates on Task 12: Some Movements Forward
So, I recently spoke to my mom and she told me she was speaking at a muslim youth conference about the generational divide between parents and children. I asked her more about this youth conference and who was involved and found out that some community youth were also speaking. I asked her who these youth were and they are all boys or I suppose I should call them men, but I think boys might be more appropriate. Normally, in such instances, I just avoid my anger and annoyance at the lack of female representation, especially when dealing with issues that women have access to. I decided that this might be an opportunity for me to say all this, to a large audience. So, I volunteered to speak. I realize now that I have no clue what my big mouth has just gotten me into.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Task 12: Homosexuality and Islam
This is not going to be a task I can just do, like say putting on a dress. I really think in order to make this successful and useful, I am going to need some time. But here is the situation as it stands: (I will speak specifically about my community simply because I have no experience with anything else.)Homosexuality is not permitted in any shape or fashion in Islam. It is a deviation from the norm. Here is a little sample of what Islam thinks of homosexuality:
There is at least one mention of lesbian behavior mentioned in the Hadith: "Sihaq (lesbian sexual activity) of women is zina (illegitimate sexual intercourse) among them."
There is a consensus among Islamic scholars that all humans are naturally heterosexual. Homosexuality is seen by scholars to be a sinful and perverted deviation from the norm. All Islamic schools of thought and jurisprudence consider gay acts unlawful. They differ in terms of penalty:
The Hanafite school (currently seen mainly in South and Eastern Asia) teaches that no physical punishment is warranted.
The Hanabalites, (widely followed in the Arab world) teach that severe punishment is warranted.
Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi of the ISNA said: "Homosexuality is a moral disorder. It is a moral disease, a sin and corruption... No person is born homosexual, just as if no one is born a thief, a liar or murderer. People acquire these evil habits due to a lack of proper guidance and education.""
"There are many reasons why it is forbidden in Islam. Homosexuality is dangerous for the health of the individuals and for the society. It is a main cause of one of the most harmful and fatal diseases. It is disgraceful for both men and women. It degrades a person. Islam teaches that men should be men and women should be women. Homosexuality deprives a man of his manhood and a woman of her womanhood. It is the most un-natural way of life. Homosexuality leads to the destruction of family life."
Allah Most High says: "Do you approach the males of humanity, leaving the wives that Allah has created for you? But you are a people who transgress" Koran (26:165-66)
(1) The Prophet (saws) said: (1) "Kill the one who sodomizes and the one who lets if be done to him." (Tirmidhi, a sahih (authentic) hadith)
(2) "May Allah curse him who does that Lot's people did." (Ibn Hibban, sahih (authentic))
(3) "Lesbianism by women is adultery between them." (Tabarani, sahih)"
If you were ever involved in sexual homosexual acts in the past, you should truly and sincerely repent to Allah, The Merciful, The Gracious, and pledge to Him never to get involved in any homosexual acts anymore. Please note that there is a difference to actually being involved in a homosexual act -which is a sin - from having sexual feelings that you try to control, that you don't express in public, which is not sinful if you try to control them. If medical or psychological counseling helps, then get it, but know that Allah is The Curer, and the Qur'an is your best companion. Give charity, pray, make dua', and Allah will not leave you alone. You have got to believe in the infinite amount of Mercy Allah provides to His servants, and you should also realize that He forgives, if He wishes, all types of sins, except the sin of disbelieving in Him.
What is sinful in homosexuality is the actual sexual act between the couple of a similar sex. If you transform your desires into a struggle and a challenge to overcome it and not physically commit it, then insha'Allah, you will get the reward for it.
Don't lose hope! Fear Allah (S.W.T), ask Him for help earnestly, never give up, and do something to get rid of even the idea of homosexuality. Try to avoid all of the circumstances that trigger your homosexual feelings: don't get alone with an attractive man/woman, always be in the company of others, don't get involved in deep / personal discussions with any person that you may think will trigger your homosexual feeling. Stay away from any other people who have similar feelings. Don't even think in such an idea of this subject; keep yourself busy in different useful thing, and stay away of anything that remind you of homosexuality. Keep a POSITIVE thinking in your mind and keep saying to yourself that you can do something about it. Don't ever say I can't. Remember with every step you are taking toward getting rid of this habit you are getting help and reward from Allah (S.W.T) and you are annoying the shaytan.
Also for many Homosexual Muslims, the concept of getting married is unappealing. Having this feeling should not prevent you from considering to get married in the future. You will discover that marriage is more than simply fulfilling your sexual needs... Your wife/husband will insha'Allah bring you peace, tranquility, joy, security, and many other feelings that every human being needs, irrelevant of their "sexual partners".
Now, this is only just a small, light, sampling of what people truly believe. I want to make this change. Yes, I realize this is a lofty and impossible sounding goal. But it truly will be impossible if no one even tries. What I want to do, is show the adolescents in my Islamic community that believing such things is a way of hating, or how hatred begins, and how we begin to marginalize those that are different from what we have been taught to believe is the 'norm'. I know Islam, which when defined means peace no less, does not teach this. I want to provide a forum where they can freely ask questions and understand themselves in ways I do not feel they currently do. I'm not sure how to do this yet. One, because this is extremely tenuous subject matter which in my experience,more often than not leads to tears. I do not want this. Two, I do not want to challenge anyone's faith. I want to respect beliefs. How do I do this?
There is at least one mention of lesbian behavior mentioned in the Hadith: "Sihaq (lesbian sexual activity) of women is zina (illegitimate sexual intercourse) among them."
There is a consensus among Islamic scholars that all humans are naturally heterosexual. Homosexuality is seen by scholars to be a sinful and perverted deviation from the norm. All Islamic schools of thought and jurisprudence consider gay acts unlawful. They differ in terms of penalty:
The Hanafite school (currently seen mainly in South and Eastern Asia) teaches that no physical punishment is warranted.
The Hanabalites, (widely followed in the Arab world) teach that severe punishment is warranted.
Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi of the ISNA said: "Homosexuality is a moral disorder. It is a moral disease, a sin and corruption... No person is born homosexual, just as if no one is born a thief, a liar or murderer. People acquire these evil habits due to a lack of proper guidance and education.""
"There are many reasons why it is forbidden in Islam. Homosexuality is dangerous for the health of the individuals and for the society. It is a main cause of one of the most harmful and fatal diseases. It is disgraceful for both men and women. It degrades a person. Islam teaches that men should be men and women should be women. Homosexuality deprives a man of his manhood and a woman of her womanhood. It is the most un-natural way of life. Homosexuality leads to the destruction of family life."
Allah Most High says: "Do you approach the males of humanity, leaving the wives that Allah has created for you? But you are a people who transgress" Koran (26:165-66)
(1) The Prophet (saws) said: (1) "Kill the one who sodomizes and the one who lets if be done to him." (Tirmidhi, a sahih (authentic) hadith)
(2) "May Allah curse him who does that Lot's people did." (Ibn Hibban, sahih (authentic))
(3) "Lesbianism by women is adultery between them." (Tabarani, sahih)"
If you were ever involved in sexual homosexual acts in the past, you should truly and sincerely repent to Allah, The Merciful, The Gracious, and pledge to Him never to get involved in any homosexual acts anymore. Please note that there is a difference to actually being involved in a homosexual act -which is a sin - from having sexual feelings that you try to control, that you don't express in public, which is not sinful if you try to control them. If medical or psychological counseling helps, then get it, but know that Allah is The Curer, and the Qur'an is your best companion. Give charity, pray, make dua', and Allah will not leave you alone. You have got to believe in the infinite amount of Mercy Allah provides to His servants, and you should also realize that He forgives, if He wishes, all types of sins, except the sin of disbelieving in Him.
What is sinful in homosexuality is the actual sexual act between the couple of a similar sex. If you transform your desires into a struggle and a challenge to overcome it and not physically commit it, then insha'Allah, you will get the reward for it.
Don't lose hope! Fear Allah (S.W.T), ask Him for help earnestly, never give up, and do something to get rid of even the idea of homosexuality. Try to avoid all of the circumstances that trigger your homosexual feelings: don't get alone with an attractive man/woman, always be in the company of others, don't get involved in deep / personal discussions with any person that you may think will trigger your homosexual feeling. Stay away from any other people who have similar feelings. Don't even think in such an idea of this subject; keep yourself busy in different useful thing, and stay away of anything that remind you of homosexuality. Keep a POSITIVE thinking in your mind and keep saying to yourself that you can do something about it. Don't ever say I can't. Remember with every step you are taking toward getting rid of this habit you are getting help and reward from Allah (S.W.T) and you are annoying the shaytan.
Also for many Homosexual Muslims, the concept of getting married is unappealing. Having this feeling should not prevent you from considering to get married in the future. You will discover that marriage is more than simply fulfilling your sexual needs... Your wife/husband will insha'Allah bring you peace, tranquility, joy, security, and many other feelings that every human being needs, irrelevant of their "sexual partners".
Now, this is only just a small, light, sampling of what people truly believe. I want to make this change. Yes, I realize this is a lofty and impossible sounding goal. But it truly will be impossible if no one even tries. What I want to do, is show the adolescents in my Islamic community that believing such things is a way of hating, or how hatred begins, and how we begin to marginalize those that are different from what we have been taught to believe is the 'norm'. I know Islam, which when defined means peace no less, does not teach this. I want to provide a forum where they can freely ask questions and understand themselves in ways I do not feel they currently do. I'm not sure how to do this yet. One, because this is extremely tenuous subject matter which in my experience,more often than not leads to tears. I do not want this. Two, I do not want to challenge anyone's faith. I want to respect beliefs. How do I do this?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Updates on Task 9: Wear a Dress
After so much resistance and the hope that perhaps people would forget about this particular task, I have decided that even if people forget, I will remember. This afternoon I went shopping with my friend Nicole and we purchased what I would say is a dress that I can live with wearing. I came home and it got the Lee stamp of approval so, I'm guessing its probably good. (For those unfamiliar with the 'lee stamp of approval', I will elaborate: most of my outfits, especially those that include vests are examples of types of clothing that would not be approved under her guidelines, but outfits that flatter one's figure, are colorful, appropriately sized, and what she will label 'classy', and which I will label 'boring', do more often than not get the stamp of approval. For a more thorough list it is probably best to consult her directly.)
I plan on wearing it to graduation. I am trying to be nonchalant, "Oh yes, I don dresses everyday. In fact, I even wear them when I'm out to fetch the milk or throw the trash down the chute, or when I am baking pies to cool on the windowsill."
Also, apparently, I live an entirely different life in a dress, one which includes a trash chute, milk that is delivered to my door, and pies.
Can't wait. May 16 2010, I don't know if you are ready.
I plan on wearing it to graduation. I am trying to be nonchalant, "Oh yes, I don dresses everyday. In fact, I even wear them when I'm out to fetch the milk or throw the trash down the chute, or when I am baking pies to cool on the windowsill."
Also, apparently, I live an entirely different life in a dress, one which includes a trash chute, milk that is delivered to my door, and pies.
Can't wait. May 16 2010, I don't know if you are ready.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Streamlining
So, yes, I am shamefully going to admit, this project seems to have fallen to the wayside, landing somewhere in between my desire to read more interesting books and working out in a more regimented manner. Another way to say this would be: I simply have not done anything for a while. This does not mean that I have lost faith in this project or in what I am doing here. Far from. I have learned many things, some of which I am unable to share in this public way but which will I am sure, continue to shape me as I move through life. Some things have not been very positive, but even those things have set in motion events which have proven necessary for my own personal growth. I plan on continuing this blog for however long it seems appropriate. I have decided to streamline it a little bit more upon receiving some very nice suggestions. Instead of trying to accomplish a task a week, I am going to instead, design a series of tasks and set a time period to accomplish them in. I will re-catalog the tasks I have already had the pleasure of completing alongside the ameliorated version of this project.
On a slightly unrelated and facetious note, Overcoming the Terrifying abbreviated is OTT, which to me sounds like the word 'ought' which makes me think that these are the things I ought to be doing. I find that connection important.
On a slightly unrelated and facetious note, Overcoming the Terrifying abbreviated is OTT, which to me sounds like the word 'ought' which makes me think that these are the things I ought to be doing. I find that connection important.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Updates on Task 5
I am floored by what has happened and how this relationship has progressed. I am still standing dumbstruck at the luck I have found. The fact that 'Person Y' (which seems now to be too sterile of a term to use) has remained in my life and is fast becoming someone very dear to me is constant cause for wonder. I am amazed, AMAZED, that she did not take one look at me and run away. What she sees in me, I will not know. Recently, she looked at the entry concerning her and said it bothered her a little that she was 'just a project.' And so, I write this now to assure you dearest butterfly, that you were never just a project. And to assure you that my projects do not stem from anything other than myself. I have always been true to you. You very well may not read this. I sense that you don't. But perhaps, if you ever come across it, you will smile.
I will respect her privacy, and mine and say more than anything else she has flown into my life and I have become a girl enchanted. This is for you sunshine.
I will respect her privacy, and mine and say more than anything else she has flown into my life and I have become a girl enchanted. This is for you sunshine.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Updates on Task 8
I just had a very awful fight with my father. I hope our lines of communication are not broken. I can't fix them. I feel awful and I question myself whenever things like this happen with my parents. What if I am wrong in what I feel? I am tired of having to defend myself and my sexuality every single time I see my family. I wonder if I made a mistake telling them about me. What kind of freedom do I have in being truthful? Was there more freedom in maintaining the lie? I cannot go back, but after fights like tonight I feel defeated. There is no winning. I might have won a few battles but the war is going on even as I shout for peace. I wish I could make things different and better and I wish I was not such a disappointment. I wish I did not cause the hurt I see in my father's eyes. I wish my mom believed in me. I wish I could be what they want from me. I wish I could be what they need.
Despite this, I will not apologize for who I am and what I believe. I am not ashamed and never will be. I refuse.
Despite this, I will not apologize for who I am and what I believe. I am not ashamed and never will be. I refuse.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Task 11
Task 11: More genuine, real encounters with people. Less sarcasm and mockery. Believe. Trust.
This quote I always find inspiring, I have no idea where its from, I have heard people tell me its a Nicholas Sparks original, or Kurt Vonnegut or Mary Schmich. No matter, the importance is that it is something I think I live by and I think needs to be tweaked a little bit.
"Don't be reckless with people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."
Once again, this task is nothing I can accomplish in a week, and really, if it could be accomplished in a week it would not be a true task to begin with.
I don't trust people very easily. Even people who have given me no reason to distrust them. It takes an incredibly long period of time for me to trust others with myself and to give of myself freely. I am afraid of trusting others because I am afraid it will come back to bite me. There have been people who I have trusted with my heart and soul who have not been gentle. But in the grand scheme of things these people are actually few and far in between. I am currently surrounded by caring, and kind individuals who are constantly showing me that the world is good. People are good. I just need to open myself to people and beautiful things will happen. I believe this to be true because in the few instances when I let my guard down, magic happens. It might sound cheesy, and it might sound cliche, but instances of heartbreaking beauty and transcendence are ever present. I only keep them at bay by being guarded and in real life this translates to my attitude around those that I do not know very well. I am incredibly sarcastic and stand-offish. I imagine this is no source of comfort to people who otherwise have the potential to be amazing.
I am going to go out into the world and try to be nice. This is going to be hard for two reasons. One, if I can't make fun of everything what the fuck am I supposed to say? Two, I fear that I am incredibly boring without my mean jokes.
I am so looking forward to this. I'm smiling even now at the potential awkward prospects heading my way.
This quote I always find inspiring, I have no idea where its from, I have heard people tell me its a Nicholas Sparks original, or Kurt Vonnegut or Mary Schmich. No matter, the importance is that it is something I think I live by and I think needs to be tweaked a little bit.
"Don't be reckless with people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."
Once again, this task is nothing I can accomplish in a week, and really, if it could be accomplished in a week it would not be a true task to begin with.
I don't trust people very easily. Even people who have given me no reason to distrust them. It takes an incredibly long period of time for me to trust others with myself and to give of myself freely. I am afraid of trusting others because I am afraid it will come back to bite me. There have been people who I have trusted with my heart and soul who have not been gentle. But in the grand scheme of things these people are actually few and far in between. I am currently surrounded by caring, and kind individuals who are constantly showing me that the world is good. People are good. I just need to open myself to people and beautiful things will happen. I believe this to be true because in the few instances when I let my guard down, magic happens. It might sound cheesy, and it might sound cliche, but instances of heartbreaking beauty and transcendence are ever present. I only keep them at bay by being guarded and in real life this translates to my attitude around those that I do not know very well. I am incredibly sarcastic and stand-offish. I imagine this is no source of comfort to people who otherwise have the potential to be amazing.
I am going to go out into the world and try to be nice. This is going to be hard for two reasons. One, if I can't make fun of everything what the fuck am I supposed to say? Two, I fear that I am incredibly boring without my mean jokes.
I am so looking forward to this. I'm smiling even now at the potential awkward prospects heading my way.
Task 10
Task 10: Top Secret. For a very special and influential person: "Rising above Self-Interests."
I would explain more, but I think that it is in everyone's best interests to leave this as such and explain more when it seems appropriate.
I would explain more, but I think that it is in everyone's best interests to leave this as such and explain more when it seems appropriate.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Task 9
Task 9: Wear a dress. A real one. It would be even better if it is super feminine.
I don't wear dresses. If you know me but at all, the thought of me in a dress is probably quite hard to formulate. I have had a slew of reasons prepared for why I don't wear them. But, since I am attempting to overcome this fear I will be completely frank as to why not. The real reason is because I am afraid to wear something that is considered traditionally beautiful. I can't hide in something that is meant to show me off. What if, when I wear a dress people finally realize that I am actually not attractive? Placed inside something beautiful I think it would be easy to see that I am not very beautiful and not really suited for something so wonderful. Therefore, I have avoided dresses. I recognize that beauty comes from within and all that shit but some of it does rest on our bodies. Or in the world that we live in, as women, beauty is very much attached to our bodies more so than our insides. The compliments I receive often have to do with my appearance and not my mind. Rarely does anyone say, "my gosh, your brain is so beautiful Faeeza, you have really outdone yourself today." More likely, "You have nice hair." Who doesn't like being complimented and told they are beautiful? As much as I hate to say it, I am usually more flattered to be told that I look good then to be told that I am smart, intelligent, kind etc. This is incredibly shallow but painfully true. And so, despite my knowledge of this phenomenon being a constant in my life I am unable to counteract it effectively. I constantly find myself slave to my appearance. As ridiculous as that may seem, it is unfortunately true. A bad hair day will usually send me into the slumps faster than a bad grade or using the wrong 'there'.
The plan is to wear the dress this coming Saturday. I am not a hundred percent sure on what I think I will gain out of this experience. I just know that it scares me even to think of it and so I find it reason enough to do it. Documentation will be in the form of photographs.
I don't wear dresses. If you know me but at all, the thought of me in a dress is probably quite hard to formulate. I have had a slew of reasons prepared for why I don't wear them. But, since I am attempting to overcome this fear I will be completely frank as to why not. The real reason is because I am afraid to wear something that is considered traditionally beautiful. I can't hide in something that is meant to show me off. What if, when I wear a dress people finally realize that I am actually not attractive? Placed inside something beautiful I think it would be easy to see that I am not very beautiful and not really suited for something so wonderful. Therefore, I have avoided dresses. I recognize that beauty comes from within and all that shit but some of it does rest on our bodies. Or in the world that we live in, as women, beauty is very much attached to our bodies more so than our insides. The compliments I receive often have to do with my appearance and not my mind. Rarely does anyone say, "my gosh, your brain is so beautiful Faeeza, you have really outdone yourself today." More likely, "You have nice hair." Who doesn't like being complimented and told they are beautiful? As much as I hate to say it, I am usually more flattered to be told that I look good then to be told that I am smart, intelligent, kind etc. This is incredibly shallow but painfully true. And so, despite my knowledge of this phenomenon being a constant in my life I am unable to counteract it effectively. I constantly find myself slave to my appearance. As ridiculous as that may seem, it is unfortunately true. A bad hair day will usually send me into the slumps faster than a bad grade or using the wrong 'there'.
The plan is to wear the dress this coming Saturday. I am not a hundred percent sure on what I think I will gain out of this experience. I just know that it scares me even to think of it and so I find it reason enough to do it. Documentation will be in the form of photographs.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Updates on Task 7
Last night really brought in a lot of butterflies. I think I am going to start cataloguing them a bit differently. After reading some thoughtful comments, (thanks John) I think it is important to specify who or what it is I am obsessing about. On each butterfly I will write out the obsessive thought. Here are some common thoughts that consistently clutter up my day:
"I need to eat healthier. I need to stop eating pastries for breakfast. I'm gonna fix this by eating a whole wheat bagel. It will soak up the fat."
"I did not run enough today. I'm not even sore. I should maybe try to go run again."
"Why didn't she text me back? It has been exatly 17 minutes since I texted her. She must hate me now."
"Oh good lord, she hasn't texted me back, it has been 2 hours and 13 minutes and 25 seconds. This is as clear a sign as any: she doesn't like me anymore."
"I should lift."
"Should I have smiled like I did, or should I have maybe flipped my hair a little bit (making sure that it was still laying flat). One may never know. The course of history may be altered now."
As I walk through the tunnels, I spot an acquaintance. She doesn't see me. "Should I wave? Should I smile? Should I whip out my phone and avoid the situation? Oh god, she's coming closer, wave or smile, wave or smile?" I end up settling on what I call the grunt. Classy.
"Should I pray today and then call my dad and tell him that I did?"
"Should I call my dad/mom now?"
"Should I go home and surprise my family tonight? I normally don't go home on this night, they would be happy."
"I'm hungry. I want to eat that pizza but I think I need more greens. Pizza? Salad?"
"I don't think she liked my comment about her cooking. I should have said something else. Something more ambiguous. I hope she's not upset. Could she be upset? I sure hope she's not upset."
"Should I get an expresso drink with milk and pay the consequences later? Should I just get an americano like always? Should I get a coffee? What about those danishes, they look pretty damn good."
"Should I text her again? I don't wanna seem obsessive (hah!)but I also don't wanna seem distant. Maybe the last text I sent was phrased in a way that did not seem to require a response. Maybe I'm boring. I think I'm gonna text her again. I think yea, I think I should. But what if she thinks I'm a loser for texting four times in a row? Oh my god. She thinks I'm a loser!"
"Ugggh. Why did I say that to her. I meant to say, you are important in my life and already a part of it. I don't need to make time for you. Making time is for those that don't matter. You matter more than you know. I should have said that. What if I go back and say that now? Will it make a difference? Fuck. I really should have said that originally."
"Hmm, I should probably call dad back in 3 minutes. Yes, in three minutes I am going to do that."
Now this list, is in no way exhaustive. It is sadly only a small fraction of the thoughts that go through my head.
"I need to eat healthier. I need to stop eating pastries for breakfast. I'm gonna fix this by eating a whole wheat bagel. It will soak up the fat."
"I did not run enough today. I'm not even sore. I should maybe try to go run again."
"Why didn't she text me back? It has been exatly 17 minutes since I texted her. She must hate me now."
"Oh good lord, she hasn't texted me back, it has been 2 hours and 13 minutes and 25 seconds. This is as clear a sign as any: she doesn't like me anymore."
"I should lift."
"Should I have smiled like I did, or should I have maybe flipped my hair a little bit (making sure that it was still laying flat). One may never know. The course of history may be altered now."
As I walk through the tunnels, I spot an acquaintance. She doesn't see me. "Should I wave? Should I smile? Should I whip out my phone and avoid the situation? Oh god, she's coming closer, wave or smile, wave or smile?" I end up settling on what I call the grunt. Classy.
"Should I pray today and then call my dad and tell him that I did?"
"Should I call my dad/mom now?"
"Should I go home and surprise my family tonight? I normally don't go home on this night, they would be happy."
"I'm hungry. I want to eat that pizza but I think I need more greens. Pizza? Salad?"
"I don't think she liked my comment about her cooking. I should have said something else. Something more ambiguous. I hope she's not upset. Could she be upset? I sure hope she's not upset."
"Should I get an expresso drink with milk and pay the consequences later? Should I just get an americano like always? Should I get a coffee? What about those danishes, they look pretty damn good."
"Should I text her again? I don't wanna seem obsessive (hah!)but I also don't wanna seem distant. Maybe the last text I sent was phrased in a way that did not seem to require a response. Maybe I'm boring. I think I'm gonna text her again. I think yea, I think I should. But what if she thinks I'm a loser for texting four times in a row? Oh my god. She thinks I'm a loser!"
"Ugggh. Why did I say that to her. I meant to say, you are important in my life and already a part of it. I don't need to make time for you. Making time is for those that don't matter. You matter more than you know. I should have said that. What if I go back and say that now? Will it make a difference? Fuck. I really should have said that originally."
"Hmm, I should probably call dad back in 3 minutes. Yes, in three minutes I am going to do that."
Now this list, is in no way exhaustive. It is sadly only a small fraction of the thoughts that go through my head.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Updates on the Lee Kehoe Weekly Challenge
So, yes, the task was pretty much the same for the past few weeks. I appear to have hit several road blocks and an unfortunate series of encounters have commenced. However, I realize now that I have, to my chagrin, had several good encounters with men that I have simply failed to address. Why this is, one may never know. Here is one particular encounter that I find to be evidence of something that lends credence to Lee's thoughts and dismantles my own negative, sexist theories.
Encounter 1: Trevor Kellog (sp?)
I met Trevor in my Psychoanalysis and Literature class and we had one pleasant moment where we fought in solidarity against the Morey 405 window. I am ashamed to report that we lost that battle but in each other we found a friend. After this first encounter I ended up having several pleasant conversations with him that led to the exchange of our phone numbers. He then proceeded to agree to Salsa dance with me a couple weeks ago. I found him to be refreshingly gentlemanly and rather amusing. To top this off, Mr. Kellog also happens to be a fantastic navigator in times of car crisis. He was nothing but nice to me and for that I extend a thank you to him.
Results Analysis: I still doubt that this type of behavior is common for most men. I like to think of this as a rarity. A diamond in the rough if you will.
Encounter 1: Trevor Kellog (sp?)
I met Trevor in my Psychoanalysis and Literature class and we had one pleasant moment where we fought in solidarity against the Morey 405 window. I am ashamed to report that we lost that battle but in each other we found a friend. After this first encounter I ended up having several pleasant conversations with him that led to the exchange of our phone numbers. He then proceeded to agree to Salsa dance with me a couple weeks ago. I found him to be refreshingly gentlemanly and rather amusing. To top this off, Mr. Kellog also happens to be a fantastic navigator in times of car crisis. He was nothing but nice to me and for that I extend a thank you to him.
Results Analysis: I still doubt that this type of behavior is common for most men. I like to think of this as a rarity. A diamond in the rough if you will.
Task 8
Task 8: Maintain and sustain a positive relationship with my father.
My dad is one of the most important people in my life. I care about him more deeply than I think he even knows. I think the fact that I state this fact as I do is a problem. If anyone should know about how much I care, it's my dad. I know he worries just as much as I do about everyone in his life leaving him. We share a lot of concerns. I am coming to realize that we are strikingly similar. I am bothered and comforted by this. My dad suffers from major depression. He has suffered from this for most of his adult life. There is a lot more to say about this but it is much too difficult to even begin to formulate in words what this means for me, and my family. I am constantly afraid I am going to lose him. He has come so dangerously close to being gone that I ache to even think of those times that were so recently in my present. I want to show him that his world is good. I want to prove to him that the people who love him are not going away. I want him to be certain of this fact. I want him to have faith in me. I have faith in him.
I plan on making this happen by being more available to him than I have ever been before. I am starting by making a point to spend one night a week with him. I never actually talk to him. I just sit in his presence, worried about what he is thinking and if he is happy. Enough is enough! I am going to call him every day. I call my mom close to every day but fail to call him. I also keep in touch with my two younger brothers fairly well. I avoid my dad as much as I can because I worry about disappointing him. This ends today. He has recently resorted to one of the most heartbreaking practices I have encountered. He will call using my mom's cell phone because he knows that I will answer calls from her but often ignore calls from him. He shouldn't have to do that with his own daughter. I am going to be a better daughter for him. Maybe that will be something that helps him realize that he is and has always been enough.
My dad is one of the most important people in my life. I care about him more deeply than I think he even knows. I think the fact that I state this fact as I do is a problem. If anyone should know about how much I care, it's my dad. I know he worries just as much as I do about everyone in his life leaving him. We share a lot of concerns. I am coming to realize that we are strikingly similar. I am bothered and comforted by this. My dad suffers from major depression. He has suffered from this for most of his adult life. There is a lot more to say about this but it is much too difficult to even begin to formulate in words what this means for me, and my family. I am constantly afraid I am going to lose him. He has come so dangerously close to being gone that I ache to even think of those times that were so recently in my present. I want to show him that his world is good. I want to prove to him that the people who love him are not going away. I want him to be certain of this fact. I want him to have faith in me. I have faith in him.
I plan on making this happen by being more available to him than I have ever been before. I am starting by making a point to spend one night a week with him. I never actually talk to him. I just sit in his presence, worried about what he is thinking and if he is happy. Enough is enough! I am going to call him every day. I call my mom close to every day but fail to call him. I also keep in touch with my two younger brothers fairly well. I avoid my dad as much as I can because I worry about disappointing him. This ends today. He has recently resorted to one of the most heartbreaking practices I have encountered. He will call using my mom's cell phone because he knows that I will answer calls from her but often ignore calls from him. He shouldn't have to do that with his own daughter. I am going to be a better daughter for him. Maybe that will be something that helps him realize that he is and has always been enough.
Task 7
Task 7: Do not obsess over every miniscule detail in my life. Let things be.
This task is something that I suspect may not be an overnight change despite my desire for it to be. I am a worry wart. I worry over probably the least important things. I spend hours of every day going over every personal relationship that I have and why this relationship could fall apart. I constantly go over dialogue from the night/minute/second before and analyze it for clues as to where my relationship is headed. I do this with every single solitary relationship I have, starting as close as my mom and as far as acquaintances. Have I done something to make relationship X fall apart? Let me just sit here and analyze it so that I can make certain that I know where the seed of destruction lies.
"Yup. I probably shouldn't have made the bed using the green sheets. Hmm, I wonder if I should have worn more eyeliner? Should I have lied and said I had prayed when I didn't? I think that I have lately been snoring too loudly. Maybe if I wear tighter shirts she will like me a little bit better. No, she likes me to look natural. Should I go to the mosque just this once and surprise her? I could go home for a little while and have dinner."
I constantly feel like one day everyone I know will wake up realize that I am somehow not enough. I just don't think I am enough. I always feel like I need to offer more, be better, more beautiful, skinnier, smarter, more interesting, more involved, more religious etc. I also fully understand that these assumptions that I project onto others have everything to do with my own lack of self confidence.
So, the question now becomes, how am I going to do this? This process of constructing, deconstructing, reconstructing events happens intimately and is largely intangible. I do it in the shower, on the drive to school, at work, in class, as I run, as I lift. Every aspect of my life is drenched in this obsession. I think the important distinction to make here is that this obsession is largely unnoticed by those who do not know me. I suspect I can appear put together even when I'm far from it. So I think it would be particularly interesting to make each of these instances of obsession physically present. I will create one paper butterfly for every obsessive thought I encounter in a day. I will label each butterfly with the date. The hope is that the obsessive thought will flutter away much as butterflies do.
I shall start this today Feb, 7th 2010 and continue forth till the close of this terrifying project in April.
This task is something that I suspect may not be an overnight change despite my desire for it to be. I am a worry wart. I worry over probably the least important things. I spend hours of every day going over every personal relationship that I have and why this relationship could fall apart. I constantly go over dialogue from the night/minute/second before and analyze it for clues as to where my relationship is headed. I do this with every single solitary relationship I have, starting as close as my mom and as far as acquaintances. Have I done something to make relationship X fall apart? Let me just sit here and analyze it so that I can make certain that I know where the seed of destruction lies.
"Yup. I probably shouldn't have made the bed using the green sheets. Hmm, I wonder if I should have worn more eyeliner? Should I have lied and said I had prayed when I didn't? I think that I have lately been snoring too loudly. Maybe if I wear tighter shirts she will like me a little bit better. No, she likes me to look natural. Should I go to the mosque just this once and surprise her? I could go home for a little while and have dinner."
I constantly feel like one day everyone I know will wake up realize that I am somehow not enough. I just don't think I am enough. I always feel like I need to offer more, be better, more beautiful, skinnier, smarter, more interesting, more involved, more religious etc. I also fully understand that these assumptions that I project onto others have everything to do with my own lack of self confidence.
So, the question now becomes, how am I going to do this? This process of constructing, deconstructing, reconstructing events happens intimately and is largely intangible. I do it in the shower, on the drive to school, at work, in class, as I run, as I lift. Every aspect of my life is drenched in this obsession. I think the important distinction to make here is that this obsession is largely unnoticed by those who do not know me. I suspect I can appear put together even when I'm far from it. So I think it would be particularly interesting to make each of these instances of obsession physically present. I will create one paper butterfly for every obsessive thought I encounter in a day. I will label each butterfly with the date. The hope is that the obsessive thought will flutter away much as butterflies do.
I shall start this today Feb, 7th 2010 and continue forth till the close of this terrifying project in April.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Updates on The Lee Kehoe Weekly Challenge
So, as my task remains the same I have just been trying to subtly work up to a good encounter. I am not doing so well to be honest. Let me share some gems from last night:
Encounter 1:
I was completely minding my own business, avoiding eye contact with Manbeast 1 and having a general good time. Little did I know that I was about to be violated from behind with incredibly grotesque thrusting. In my attempts to sidle out of this situation I ended up becoming pinned against a wall. Manbeast 1, attempted to then pull probably one of the most romantic lines I have ever heard, "Wanna make out?"
"Yes! Dear God yes! I have been waiting my whole life, no wait, at least 3 whole lifetimes, to have you pin me up against a wall against my will and then suck my face. How did you ever guess?"
And even this comment was not clear enough apparently. I ended up having to do what I like to call the knee and push. I'm sure you can figure it out from there. Manbeast 1 continued to follow me around the rest of the evening dancing in more and more obscene ways. I was so glad to meet him. What a man.
Result Analysis:
Hmm. Manbeast 1 seems to confirm my beliefs. Highly interesting.
Encounter 2:
I went up to speak to Mr. Rugby after he called over with a nice smile. I thought to myself, oh my, I am about to have a good conversation! Joy, joy, joy! We actually did converse for a while: he told me all about his inability to commit to one woman and how he needs constant change and I nodded along but in my head I was really thinking that sounds like a policy to prevent hurt and to eliminate deep connections. But despite my intense desire to needle him, I just sweetly nodded along.
Anyhow, out of the blue he said, "Wow, you are so girly today. I have never seen you behave so much like a woman. What has happened? It is so different."
I said, "Hmm. I don't know, to the best of my knowledge, I have always been a girl, I am going to take this strange statement as a compliment."
"It's just so different. I just wanted to tell you that if you ever want a straight guy to bone you, I'm your man. In fact, right now, I can be your man."
"Oh em gee! I totally want that! What gave it away? Was it my womanly behavior?" I followed this up with a trip to the bathroom. I successfully avoided him the rest of the night.
Results Analysis:
Here's the thing, I would never meet a girl who would say anything like that to me in the course of a casual conversation. I am drawn to think this means something telling about the nature of man versus the nature of woman. Every encounter I have had of this variety has left me with evidence for my beliefs. But, of course, this only means I must continue on my quest for a pure man!
Encounter 1:
I was completely minding my own business, avoiding eye contact with Manbeast 1 and having a general good time. Little did I know that I was about to be violated from behind with incredibly grotesque thrusting. In my attempts to sidle out of this situation I ended up becoming pinned against a wall. Manbeast 1, attempted to then pull probably one of the most romantic lines I have ever heard, "Wanna make out?"
"Yes! Dear God yes! I have been waiting my whole life, no wait, at least 3 whole lifetimes, to have you pin me up against a wall against my will and then suck my face. How did you ever guess?"
And even this comment was not clear enough apparently. I ended up having to do what I like to call the knee and push. I'm sure you can figure it out from there. Manbeast 1 continued to follow me around the rest of the evening dancing in more and more obscene ways. I was so glad to meet him. What a man.
Result Analysis:
Hmm. Manbeast 1 seems to confirm my beliefs. Highly interesting.
Encounter 2:
I went up to speak to Mr. Rugby after he called over with a nice smile. I thought to myself, oh my, I am about to have a good conversation! Joy, joy, joy! We actually did converse for a while: he told me all about his inability to commit to one woman and how he needs constant change and I nodded along but in my head I was really thinking that sounds like a policy to prevent hurt and to eliminate deep connections. But despite my intense desire to needle him, I just sweetly nodded along.
Anyhow, out of the blue he said, "Wow, you are so girly today. I have never seen you behave so much like a woman. What has happened? It is so different."
I said, "Hmm. I don't know, to the best of my knowledge, I have always been a girl, I am going to take this strange statement as a compliment."
"It's just so different. I just wanted to tell you that if you ever want a straight guy to bone you, I'm your man. In fact, right now, I can be your man."
"Oh em gee! I totally want that! What gave it away? Was it my womanly behavior?" I followed this up with a trip to the bathroom. I successfully avoided him the rest of the night.
Results Analysis:
Here's the thing, I would never meet a girl who would say anything like that to me in the course of a casual conversation. I am drawn to think this means something telling about the nature of man versus the nature of woman. Every encounter I have had of this variety has left me with evidence for my beliefs. But, of course, this only means I must continue on my quest for a pure man!
Updates on Task 6
"Faeez, tonight was wonderful. I hope you know that I love you very much."
She says this as she gives me one of her classic lift me off the floor, swing me all the way around hugs.
I write today triumphant! I was a perfect gentle woman all evening. I was civil and courteous to all those around me, I was only mildly sarcastic, and I even talked to boys without my usual leer of disapproval. I think Lee (it was her birthday after all) had a very pleasantly tipsy evening. I believe that I am most surprised by my reaction to events that on previous nights have sent me into a pit of deep darkness. There is a certain someone, let's call her, Person Y who I used to date and who still functions in a very substantial and integral part of my life. We still consider ourselves best friends despite our break up. I no longer hold any sort of romantic feelings for dear Person Y and am finally (and by that i mean FINALLLLY) feeling free of that part of our relationship. The evolution of it has been rocky due to my resistance but I am very glad we are what we are to each other these days. Despite not holding any sort of desire for Person Y, I often misbehave when I encounter her with other people. I get incredibly jealous. Now this jealousy is not of the, "I want you to be with me" variety but more of a "I worry that you will forget me" type. This jealousy also often gets misread and confusion ensues. These sentiments are of course not true. She has told me on multiple occasions that I will never stop mattering to her and that she will never stop loving me and beyond her words, her actions have proven to me that she is not going anywhere. Despite all this evidence to the contrary of my convictions, in social situations I begin to doubt the validity of her words. Last night however, I did not do any such thing. I actually, for once, forgot about being worried about losing her and just had fun.
Results Analysis:
While I am proud of my most excellent behavior last night, I don't know if this is telling of my future endeavors. I fear a relapse. I hope for no such thing!
She says this as she gives me one of her classic lift me off the floor, swing me all the way around hugs.
I write today triumphant! I was a perfect gentle woman all evening. I was civil and courteous to all those around me, I was only mildly sarcastic, and I even talked to boys without my usual leer of disapproval. I think Lee (it was her birthday after all) had a very pleasantly tipsy evening. I believe that I am most surprised by my reaction to events that on previous nights have sent me into a pit of deep darkness. There is a certain someone, let's call her, Person Y who I used to date and who still functions in a very substantial and integral part of my life. We still consider ourselves best friends despite our break up. I no longer hold any sort of romantic feelings for dear Person Y and am finally (and by that i mean FINALLLLY) feeling free of that part of our relationship. The evolution of it has been rocky due to my resistance but I am very glad we are what we are to each other these days. Despite not holding any sort of desire for Person Y, I often misbehave when I encounter her with other people. I get incredibly jealous. Now this jealousy is not of the, "I want you to be with me" variety but more of a "I worry that you will forget me" type. This jealousy also often gets misread and confusion ensues. These sentiments are of course not true. She has told me on multiple occasions that I will never stop mattering to her and that she will never stop loving me and beyond her words, her actions have proven to me that she is not going anywhere. Despite all this evidence to the contrary of my convictions, in social situations I begin to doubt the validity of her words. Last night however, I did not do any such thing. I actually, for once, forgot about being worried about losing her and just had fun.
Results Analysis:
While I am proud of my most excellent behavior last night, I don't know if this is telling of my future endeavors. I fear a relapse. I hope for no such thing!
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Lee Kehoe Challenge: Week 2
Task: This task echoes that of last week since I have failed to make good on my attempts. I have been told that I have not been approaching boys in the proper environment and that I have only done what would confirm my negative connotations. I would certainly beg to differ but since my agency in this particular aspect of the project is limited I will simply offer up a disgruntled sigh. Perhaps even two or three to make it clear how much I love doing this.
I suppose I plan on approaching men who are not drunk and perhaps in a setting that promotes conversation as opposed to interactions of the physical variety. I plan on doing this by approaching men I have previously written off as fools. I have three days left to do this. I will surely tackle this tomorrow.
I suppose I plan on approaching men who are not drunk and perhaps in a setting that promotes conversation as opposed to interactions of the physical variety. I plan on doing this by approaching men I have previously written off as fools. I have three days left to do this. I will surely tackle this tomorrow.
Task 6
Task: Do not be the hysterical mess I normally am at occasions that involve my good friends. The particular occasion I refer to is my friend's birthday tonight, January 29th 2010.
This may seem like a simple task to the untrained eye. But I assure you, it takes the skill of a ninja to accomplish. In all honesty, I find myself feeling incredibly ridiculous around my friends sometimes. I think it mostly has to do with my behavior for the past, oh lets say year. I have not been a fun girl to say the least. I find myself consistently feeling jealous. I feel like I am not as good as anyone else and I work myself into a negative fervor that usually results in a crying/throwing/screaming fit. As one might imagine, this is not something that even a good friend desires on multiple occasions. So, as the year has progressed, my relationships with my good friends have diminished in ways I wish they hadn't. I am totally at fault for much of it and I wish I could change it but I think much of the damage I have caused is beyond repair. Or perhaps the damage is of the type that requires time to heal. I suppose the one thing I do have is time. And the only thing I can do now to begin the process is show them that I am better through my actions. So tonight, my goal is to be happy in all cases and to behave. I have high hopes but also a high level of stress for this.
This may seem like a simple task to the untrained eye. But I assure you, it takes the skill of a ninja to accomplish. In all honesty, I find myself feeling incredibly ridiculous around my friends sometimes. I think it mostly has to do with my behavior for the past, oh lets say year. I have not been a fun girl to say the least. I find myself consistently feeling jealous. I feel like I am not as good as anyone else and I work myself into a negative fervor that usually results in a crying/throwing/screaming fit. As one might imagine, this is not something that even a good friend desires on multiple occasions. So, as the year has progressed, my relationships with my good friends have diminished in ways I wish they hadn't. I am totally at fault for much of it and I wish I could change it but I think much of the damage I have caused is beyond repair. Or perhaps the damage is of the type that requires time to heal. I suppose the one thing I do have is time. And the only thing I can do now to begin the process is show them that I am better through my actions. So tonight, my goal is to be happy in all cases and to behave. I have high hopes but also a high level of stress for this.
Task 5
Task: Meet Person X at 730pm at location Y for coffee as planned. Do not bail no matter how badly I want to.
Starting around 5pm I began feeling a tingling sensation in my stomach which eventually spread across my whole body. Around 630pm I began hunting for reasons not to go. What if we had nothing to talk about? I was driving her so it could end up going so very badly. What if she thought I was boring, weird, annoying or, *gasp* all of the above? What if she thought I was unbelievably ugly? What if she thought I was a loser? What if she thought I dressed unfortunately? And once again, what if we had nothing to talk about? I even thought about taking my handy dandy, super dorky kit for situations like this. The kit consists of a sheet of paper that has a list of conversation topics. You can judge me about this. I certainly judge myself. Around 720, after having spent the past 45 minutes in an anxiety ridden, jittery state of affairs, I changed my outfit 8 times, texted her about how I was running late and left.
I ordered a medium coffee with water. She ordered a latte. We sat by the window. We stayed until the shop closed. I was a hot mess the whole time. I found her to be genuine.
"Well, thanks for the ride, you've got my number, gimme a call if you want to do this again."
"You've got mine and can also call me you know." This line was delivered with a half smile.
Results Analysis:
I wish I could know if she was totally bored or not. I would do it again.
Starting around 5pm I began feeling a tingling sensation in my stomach which eventually spread across my whole body. Around 630pm I began hunting for reasons not to go. What if we had nothing to talk about? I was driving her so it could end up going so very badly. What if she thought I was boring, weird, annoying or, *gasp* all of the above? What if she thought I was unbelievably ugly? What if she thought I was a loser? What if she thought I dressed unfortunately? And once again, what if we had nothing to talk about? I even thought about taking my handy dandy, super dorky kit for situations like this. The kit consists of a sheet of paper that has a list of conversation topics. You can judge me about this. I certainly judge myself. Around 720, after having spent the past 45 minutes in an anxiety ridden, jittery state of affairs, I changed my outfit 8 times, texted her about how I was running late and left.
I ordered a medium coffee with water. She ordered a latte. We sat by the window. We stayed until the shop closed. I was a hot mess the whole time. I found her to be genuine.
"Well, thanks for the ride, you've got my number, gimme a call if you want to do this again."
"You've got mine and can also call me you know." This line was delivered with a half smile.
Results Analysis:
I wish I could know if she was totally bored or not. I would do it again.
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