Task: Do not be the hysterical mess I normally am at occasions that involve my good friends. The particular occasion I refer to is my friend's birthday tonight, January 29th 2010.
This may seem like a simple task to the untrained eye. But I assure you, it takes the skill of a ninja to accomplish. In all honesty, I find myself feeling incredibly ridiculous around my friends sometimes. I think it mostly has to do with my behavior for the past, oh lets say year. I have not been a fun girl to say the least. I find myself consistently feeling jealous. I feel like I am not as good as anyone else and I work myself into a negative fervor that usually results in a crying/throwing/screaming fit. As one might imagine, this is not something that even a good friend desires on multiple occasions. So, as the year has progressed, my relationships with my good friends have diminished in ways I wish they hadn't. I am totally at fault for much of it and I wish I could change it but I think much of the damage I have caused is beyond repair. Or perhaps the damage is of the type that requires time to heal. I suppose the one thing I do have is time. And the only thing I can do now to begin the process is show them that I am better through my actions. So tonight, my goal is to be happy in all cases and to behave. I have high hopes but also a high level of stress for this.
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I just have to say, I really enjoy reading these. I definitely identify with you on a lot of it, and its sort of comforting to read it. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one with the kinds of insecurities and fears that I have. A lot of the things you've talked about I've experienced myself, if only on a different level.
ReplyDeleteThat goes especially for this post. I've definitely felt some of these things you've described, and I'm definitely worried about a friendship or two...
But yeah, I just wanted to let you know that I think this is awesome and I look forward to reading the rest!
Janelle