Task 7

Task 7: Do not obsess over every miniscule detail in my life. Let things be.

This task is something that I suspect may not be an overnight change despite my desire for it to be. I am a worry wart. I worry over probably the least important things. I spend hours of every day going over every personal relationship that I have and why this relationship could fall apart. I constantly go over dialogue from the night/minute/second before and analyze it for clues as to where my relationship is headed. I do this with every single solitary relationship I have, starting as close as my mom and as far as acquaintances. Have I done something to make relationship X fall apart? Let me just sit here and analyze it so that I can make certain that I know where the seed of destruction lies.

"Yup. I probably shouldn't have made the bed using the green sheets. Hmm, I wonder if I should have worn more eyeliner? Should I have lied and said I had prayed when I didn't? I think that I have lately been snoring too loudly. Maybe if I wear tighter shirts she will like me a little bit better. No, she likes me to look natural. Should I go to the mosque just this once and surprise her? I could go home for a little while and have dinner."

I constantly feel like one day everyone I know will wake up realize that I am somehow not enough. I just don't think I am enough. I always feel like I need to offer more, be better, more beautiful, skinnier, smarter, more interesting, more involved, more religious etc. I also fully understand that these assumptions that I project onto others have everything to do with my own lack of self confidence.

So, the question now becomes, how am I going to do this? This process of constructing, deconstructing, reconstructing events happens intimately and is largely intangible. I do it in the shower, on the drive to school, at work, in class, as I run, as I lift. Every aspect of my life is drenched in this obsession. I think the important distinction to make here is that this obsession is largely unnoticed by those who do not know me. I suspect I can appear put together even when I'm far from it. So I think it would be particularly interesting to make each of these instances of obsession physically present. I will create one paper butterfly for every obsessive thought I encounter in a day. I will label each butterfly with the date. The hope is that the obsessive thought will flutter away much as butterflies do.

I shall start this today Feb, 7th 2010 and continue forth till the close of this terrifying project in April.