I just had a very awful fight with my father. I hope our lines of communication are not broken. I can't fix them. I feel awful and I question myself whenever things like this happen with my parents. What if I am wrong in what I feel? I am tired of having to defend myself and my sexuality every single time I see my family. I wonder if I made a mistake telling them about me. What kind of freedom do I have in being truthful? Was there more freedom in maintaining the lie? I cannot go back, but after fights like tonight I feel defeated. There is no winning. I might have won a few battles but the war is going on even as I shout for peace. I wish I could make things different and better and I wish I was not such a disappointment. I wish I did not cause the hurt I see in my father's eyes. I wish my mom believed in me. I wish I could be what they want from me. I wish I could be what they need.
Despite this, I will not apologize for who I am and what I believe. I am not ashamed and never will be. I refuse.
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