Saturday, February 27, 2010

Updates on Task 8

I just had a very awful fight with my father. I hope our lines of communication are not broken. I can't fix them. I feel awful and I question myself whenever things like this happen with my parents. What if I am wrong in what I feel? I am tired of having to defend myself and my sexuality every single time I see my family. I wonder if I made a mistake telling them about me. What kind of freedom do I have in being truthful? Was there more freedom in maintaining the lie? I cannot go back, but after fights like tonight I feel defeated. There is no winning. I might have won a few battles but the war is going on even as I shout for peace. I wish I could make things different and better and I wish I was not such a disappointment. I wish I did not cause the hurt I see in my father's eyes. I wish my mom believed in me. I wish I could be what they want from me. I wish I could be what they need.

Despite this, I will not apologize for who I am and what I believe. I am not ashamed and never will be. I refuse.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Task 11

Task 11: More genuine, real encounters with people. Less sarcasm and mockery. Believe. Trust.

This quote I always find inspiring, I have no idea where its from, I have heard people tell me its a Nicholas Sparks original, or Kurt Vonnegut or Mary Schmich. No matter, the importance is that it is something I think I live by and I think needs to be tweaked a little bit.

"Don't be reckless with people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."

Once again, this task is nothing I can accomplish in a week, and really, if it could be accomplished in a week it would not be a true task to begin with.

I don't trust people very easily. Even people who have given me no reason to distrust them. It takes an incredibly long period of time for me to trust others with myself and to give of myself freely. I am afraid of trusting others because I am afraid it will come back to bite me. There have been people who I have trusted with my heart and soul who have not been gentle. But in the grand scheme of things these people are actually few and far in between. I am currently surrounded by caring, and kind individuals who are constantly showing me that the world is good. People are good. I just need to open myself to people and beautiful things will happen. I believe this to be true because in the few instances when I let my guard down, magic happens. It might sound cheesy, and it might sound cliche, but instances of heartbreaking beauty and transcendence are ever present. I only keep them at bay by being guarded and in real life this translates to my attitude around those that I do not know very well. I am incredibly sarcastic and stand-offish. I imagine this is no source of comfort to people who otherwise have the potential to be amazing.

I am going to go out into the world and try to be nice. This is going to be hard for two reasons. One, if I can't make fun of everything what the fuck am I supposed to say? Two, I fear that I am incredibly boring without my mean jokes.

I am so looking forward to this. I'm smiling even now at the potential awkward prospects heading my way.

Task 10

Task 10: Top Secret. For a very special and influential person: "Rising above Self-Interests."

I would explain more, but I think that it is in everyone's best interests to leave this as such and explain more when it seems appropriate.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Task 9

Task 9: Wear a dress. A real one. It would be even better if it is super feminine.

I don't wear dresses. If you know me but at all, the thought of me in a dress is probably quite hard to formulate. I have had a slew of reasons prepared for why I don't wear them. But, since I am attempting to overcome this fear I will be completely frank as to why not. The real reason is because I am afraid to wear something that is considered traditionally beautiful. I can't hide in something that is meant to show me off. What if, when I wear a dress people finally realize that I am actually not attractive? Placed inside something beautiful I think it would be easy to see that I am not very beautiful and not really suited for something so wonderful. Therefore, I have avoided dresses. I recognize that beauty comes from within and all that shit but some of it does rest on our bodies. Or in the world that we live in, as women, beauty is very much attached to our bodies more so than our insides. The compliments I receive often have to do with my appearance and not my mind. Rarely does anyone say, "my gosh, your brain is so beautiful Faeeza, you have really outdone yourself today." More likely, "You have nice hair." Who doesn't like being complimented and told they are beautiful? As much as I hate to say it, I am usually more flattered to be told that I look good then to be told that I am smart, intelligent, kind etc. This is incredibly shallow but painfully true. And so, despite my knowledge of this phenomenon being a constant in my life I am unable to counteract it effectively. I constantly find myself slave to my appearance. As ridiculous as that may seem, it is unfortunately true. A bad hair day will usually send me into the slumps faster than a bad grade or using the wrong 'there'.


The plan is to wear the dress this coming Saturday. I am not a hundred percent sure on what I think I will gain out of this experience. I just know that it scares me even to think of it and so I find it reason enough to do it. Documentation will be in the form of photographs.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Updates on Task 7

Last night really brought in a lot of butterflies. I think I am going to start cataloguing them a bit differently. After reading some thoughtful comments, (thanks John) I think it is important to specify who or what it is I am obsessing about. On each butterfly I will write out the obsessive thought. Here are some common thoughts that consistently clutter up my day:

"I need to eat healthier. I need to stop eating pastries for breakfast. I'm gonna fix this by eating a whole wheat bagel. It will soak up the fat."

"I did not run enough today. I'm not even sore. I should maybe try to go run again."

"Why didn't she text me back? It has been exatly 17 minutes since I texted her. She must hate me now."

"Oh good lord, she hasn't texted me back, it has been 2 hours and 13 minutes and 25 seconds. This is as clear a sign as any: she doesn't like me anymore."

"I should lift."

"Should I have smiled like I did, or should I have maybe flipped my hair a little bit (making sure that it was still laying flat). One may never know. The course of history may be altered now."

As I walk through the tunnels, I spot an acquaintance. She doesn't see me. "Should I wave? Should I smile? Should I whip out my phone and avoid the situation? Oh god, she's coming closer, wave or smile, wave or smile?" I end up settling on what I call the grunt. Classy.

"Should I pray today and then call my dad and tell him that I did?"

"Should I call my dad/mom now?"

"Should I go home and surprise my family tonight? I normally don't go home on this night, they would be happy."

"I'm hungry. I want to eat that pizza but I think I need more greens. Pizza? Salad?"

"I don't think she liked my comment about her cooking. I should have said something else. Something more ambiguous. I hope she's not upset. Could she be upset? I sure hope she's not upset."

"Should I get an expresso drink with milk and pay the consequences later? Should I just get an americano like always? Should I get a coffee? What about those danishes, they look pretty damn good."

"Should I text her again? I don't wanna seem obsessive (hah!)but I also don't wanna seem distant. Maybe the last text I sent was phrased in a way that did not seem to require a response. Maybe I'm boring. I think I'm gonna text her again. I think yea, I think I should. But what if she thinks I'm a loser for texting four times in a row? Oh my god. She thinks I'm a loser!"

"Ugggh. Why did I say that to her. I meant to say, you are important in my life and already a part of it. I don't need to make time for you. Making time is for those that don't matter. You matter more than you know. I should have said that. What if I go back and say that now? Will it make a difference? Fuck. I really should have said that originally."

"Hmm, I should probably call dad back in 3 minutes. Yes, in three minutes I am going to do that."


Now this list, is in no way exhaustive. It is sadly only a small fraction of the thoughts that go through my head.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Updates on the Lee Kehoe Weekly Challenge

So, yes, the task was pretty much the same for the past few weeks. I appear to have hit several road blocks and an unfortunate series of encounters have commenced. However, I realize now that I have, to my chagrin, had several good encounters with men that I have simply failed to address. Why this is, one may never know. Here is one particular encounter that I find to be evidence of something that lends credence to Lee's thoughts and dismantles my own negative, sexist theories.

Encounter 1: Trevor Kellog (sp?)

I met Trevor in my Psychoanalysis and Literature class and we had one pleasant moment where we fought in solidarity against the Morey 405 window. I am ashamed to report that we lost that battle but in each other we found a friend. After this first encounter I ended up having several pleasant conversations with him that led to the exchange of our phone numbers. He then proceeded to agree to Salsa dance with me a couple weeks ago. I found him to be refreshingly gentlemanly and rather amusing. To top this off, Mr. Kellog also happens to be a fantastic navigator in times of car crisis. He was nothing but nice to me and for that I extend a thank you to him.

Results Analysis: I still doubt that this type of behavior is common for most men. I like to think of this as a rarity. A diamond in the rough if you will.

Task 8

Task 8: Maintain and sustain a positive relationship with my father.

My dad is one of the most important people in my life. I care about him more deeply than I think he even knows. I think the fact that I state this fact as I do is a problem. If anyone should know about how much I care, it's my dad. I know he worries just as much as I do about everyone in his life leaving him. We share a lot of concerns. I am coming to realize that we are strikingly similar. I am bothered and comforted by this. My dad suffers from major depression. He has suffered from this for most of his adult life. There is a lot more to say about this but it is much too difficult to even begin to formulate in words what this means for me, and my family. I am constantly afraid I am going to lose him. He has come so dangerously close to being gone that I ache to even think of those times that were so recently in my present. I want to show him that his world is good. I want to prove to him that the people who love him are not going away. I want him to be certain of this fact. I want him to have faith in me. I have faith in him.

I plan on making this happen by being more available to him than I have ever been before. I am starting by making a point to spend one night a week with him. I never actually talk to him. I just sit in his presence, worried about what he is thinking and if he is happy. Enough is enough! I am going to call him every day. I call my mom close to every day but fail to call him. I also keep in touch with my two younger brothers fairly well. I avoid my dad as much as I can because I worry about disappointing him. This ends today. He has recently resorted to one of the most heartbreaking practices I have encountered. He will call using my mom's cell phone because he knows that I will answer calls from her but often ignore calls from him. He shouldn't have to do that with his own daughter. I am going to be a better daughter for him. Maybe that will be something that helps him realize that he is and has always been enough.

Task 7

Task 7: Do not obsess over every miniscule detail in my life. Let things be.

This task is something that I suspect may not be an overnight change despite my desire for it to be. I am a worry wart. I worry over probably the least important things. I spend hours of every day going over every personal relationship that I have and why this relationship could fall apart. I constantly go over dialogue from the night/minute/second before and analyze it for clues as to where my relationship is headed. I do this with every single solitary relationship I have, starting as close as my mom and as far as acquaintances. Have I done something to make relationship X fall apart? Let me just sit here and analyze it so that I can make certain that I know where the seed of destruction lies.

"Yup. I probably shouldn't have made the bed using the green sheets. Hmm, I wonder if I should have worn more eyeliner? Should I have lied and said I had prayed when I didn't? I think that I have lately been snoring too loudly. Maybe if I wear tighter shirts she will like me a little bit better. No, she likes me to look natural. Should I go to the mosque just this once and surprise her? I could go home for a little while and have dinner."

I constantly feel like one day everyone I know will wake up realize that I am somehow not enough. I just don't think I am enough. I always feel like I need to offer more, be better, more beautiful, skinnier, smarter, more interesting, more involved, more religious etc. I also fully understand that these assumptions that I project onto others have everything to do with my own lack of self confidence.

So, the question now becomes, how am I going to do this? This process of constructing, deconstructing, reconstructing events happens intimately and is largely intangible. I do it in the shower, on the drive to school, at work, in class, as I run, as I lift. Every aspect of my life is drenched in this obsession. I think the important distinction to make here is that this obsession is largely unnoticed by those who do not know me. I suspect I can appear put together even when I'm far from it. So I think it would be particularly interesting to make each of these instances of obsession physically present. I will create one paper butterfly for every obsessive thought I encounter in a day. I will label each butterfly with the date. The hope is that the obsessive thought will flutter away much as butterflies do.

I shall start this today Feb, 7th 2010 and continue forth till the close of this terrifying project in April.