Streamlining

So, yes, I am shamefully going to admit, this project seems to have fallen to the wayside, landing somewhere in between my desire to read more interesting books and working out in a more regimented manner. Another way to say this would be: I simply have not done anything for a while. This does not mean that I have lost faith in this project or in what I am doing here. Far from. I have learned many things, some of which I am unable to share in this public way but which will I am sure, continue to shape me as I move through life. Some things have not been very positive, but even those things have set in motion events which have proven necessary for my own personal growth. I plan on continuing this blog for however long it seems appropriate. I have decided to streamline it a little bit more upon receiving some very nice suggestions. Instead of trying to accomplish a task a week, I am going to instead, design a series of tasks and set a time period to accomplish them in. I will re-catalog the tasks I have already had the pleasure of completing alongside the ameliorated version of this project.

On a slightly unrelated and facetious note, Overcoming the Terrifying abbreviated is OTT, which to me sounds like the word 'ought' which makes me think that these are the things I ought to be doing. I find that connection important.

Updates on Task 5

I am floored by what has happened and how this relationship has progressed. I am still standing dumbstruck at the luck I have found. The fact that 'Person Y' (which seems now to be too sterile of a term to use) has remained in my life and is fast becoming someone very dear to me is constant cause for wonder. I am amazed, AMAZED, that she did not take one look at me and run away. What she sees in me, I will not know. Recently, she looked at the entry concerning her and said it bothered her a little that she was 'just a project.' And so, I write this now to assure you dearest butterfly, that you were never just a project. And to assure you that my projects do not stem from anything other than myself. I have always been true to you. You very well may not read this. I sense that you don't. But perhaps, if you ever come across it, you will smile.

I will respect her privacy, and mine and say more than anything else she has flown into my life and I have become a girl enchanted. This is for you sunshine.

Updates on Task 8

I just had a very awful fight with my father. I hope our lines of communication are not broken. I can't fix them. I feel awful and I question myself whenever things like this happen with my parents. What if I am wrong in what I feel? I am tired of having to defend myself and my sexuality every single time I see my family. I wonder if I made a mistake telling them about me. What kind of freedom do I have in being truthful? Was there more freedom in maintaining the lie? I cannot go back, but after fights like tonight I feel defeated. There is no winning. I might have won a few battles but the war is going on even as I shout for peace. I wish I could make things different and better and I wish I was not such a disappointment. I wish I did not cause the hurt I see in my father's eyes. I wish my mom believed in me. I wish I could be what they want from me. I wish I could be what they need.

Despite this, I will not apologize for who I am and what I believe. I am not ashamed and never will be. I refuse.

Task 11

Task 11: More genuine, real encounters with people. Less sarcasm and mockery. Believe. Trust.

This quote I always find inspiring, I have no idea where its from, I have heard people tell me its a Nicholas Sparks original, or Kurt Vonnegut or Mary Schmich. No matter, the importance is that it is something I think I live by and I think needs to be tweaked a little bit.

"Don't be reckless with people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."

Once again, this task is nothing I can accomplish in a week, and really, if it could be accomplished in a week it would not be a true task to begin with.

I don't trust people very easily. Even people who have given me no reason to distrust them. It takes an incredibly long period of time for me to trust others with myself and to give of myself freely. I am afraid of trusting others because I am afraid it will come back to bite me. There have been people who I have trusted with my heart and soul who have not been gentle. But in the grand scheme of things these people are actually few and far in between. I am currently surrounded by caring, and kind individuals who are constantly showing me that the world is good. People are good. I just need to open myself to people and beautiful things will happen. I believe this to be true because in the few instances when I let my guard down, magic happens. It might sound cheesy, and it might sound cliche, but instances of heartbreaking beauty and transcendence are ever present. I only keep them at bay by being guarded and in real life this translates to my attitude around those that I do not know very well. I am incredibly sarcastic and stand-offish. I imagine this is no source of comfort to people who otherwise have the potential to be amazing.

I am going to go out into the world and try to be nice. This is going to be hard for two reasons. One, if I can't make fun of everything what the fuck am I supposed to say? Two, I fear that I am incredibly boring without my mean jokes.

I am so looking forward to this. I'm smiling even now at the potential awkward prospects heading my way.

Task 10

Task 10: Top Secret. For a very special and influential person: "Rising above Self-Interests."

I would explain more, but I think that it is in everyone's best interests to leave this as such and explain more when it seems appropriate.

Task 9

Task 9: Wear a dress. A real one. It would be even better if it is super feminine.

I don't wear dresses. If you know me but at all, the thought of me in a dress is probably quite hard to formulate. I have had a slew of reasons prepared for why I don't wear them. But, since I am attempting to overcome this fear I will be completely frank as to why not. The real reason is because I am afraid to wear something that is considered traditionally beautiful. I can't hide in something that is meant to show me off. What if, when I wear a dress people finally realize that I am actually not attractive? Placed inside something beautiful I think it would be easy to see that I am not very beautiful and not really suited for something so wonderful. Therefore, I have avoided dresses. I recognize that beauty comes from within and all that shit but some of it does rest on our bodies. Or in the world that we live in, as women, beauty is very much attached to our bodies more so than our insides. The compliments I receive often have to do with my appearance and not my mind. Rarely does anyone say, "my gosh, your brain is so beautiful Faeeza, you have really outdone yourself today." More likely, "You have nice hair." Who doesn't like being complimented and told they are beautiful? As much as I hate to say it, I am usually more flattered to be told that I look good then to be told that I am smart, intelligent, kind etc. This is incredibly shallow but painfully true. And so, despite my knowledge of this phenomenon being a constant in my life I am unable to counteract it effectively. I constantly find myself slave to my appearance. As ridiculous as that may seem, it is unfortunately true. A bad hair day will usually send me into the slumps faster than a bad grade or using the wrong 'there'.


The plan is to wear the dress this coming Saturday. I am not a hundred percent sure on what I think I will gain out of this experience. I just know that it scares me even to think of it and so I find it reason enough to do it. Documentation will be in the form of photographs.

Updates on Task 7

Last night really brought in a lot of butterflies. I think I am going to start cataloguing them a bit differently. After reading some thoughtful comments, (thanks John) I think it is important to specify who or what it is I am obsessing about. On each butterfly I will write out the obsessive thought. Here are some common thoughts that consistently clutter up my day:

"I need to eat healthier. I need to stop eating pastries for breakfast. I'm gonna fix this by eating a whole wheat bagel. It will soak up the fat."

"I did not run enough today. I'm not even sore. I should maybe try to go run again."

"Why didn't she text me back? It has been exatly 17 minutes since I texted her. She must hate me now."

"Oh good lord, she hasn't texted me back, it has been 2 hours and 13 minutes and 25 seconds. This is as clear a sign as any: she doesn't like me anymore."

"I should lift."

"Should I have smiled like I did, or should I have maybe flipped my hair a little bit (making sure that it was still laying flat). One may never know. The course of history may be altered now."

As I walk through the tunnels, I spot an acquaintance. She doesn't see me. "Should I wave? Should I smile? Should I whip out my phone and avoid the situation? Oh god, she's coming closer, wave or smile, wave or smile?" I end up settling on what I call the grunt. Classy.

"Should I pray today and then call my dad and tell him that I did?"

"Should I call my dad/mom now?"

"Should I go home and surprise my family tonight? I normally don't go home on this night, they would be happy."

"I'm hungry. I want to eat that pizza but I think I need more greens. Pizza? Salad?"

"I don't think she liked my comment about her cooking. I should have said something else. Something more ambiguous. I hope she's not upset. Could she be upset? I sure hope she's not upset."

"Should I get an expresso drink with milk and pay the consequences later? Should I just get an americano like always? Should I get a coffee? What about those danishes, they look pretty damn good."

"Should I text her again? I don't wanna seem obsessive (hah!)but I also don't wanna seem distant. Maybe the last text I sent was phrased in a way that did not seem to require a response. Maybe I'm boring. I think I'm gonna text her again. I think yea, I think I should. But what if she thinks I'm a loser for texting four times in a row? Oh my god. She thinks I'm a loser!"

"Ugggh. Why did I say that to her. I meant to say, you are important in my life and already a part of it. I don't need to make time for you. Making time is for those that don't matter. You matter more than you know. I should have said that. What if I go back and say that now? Will it make a difference? Fuck. I really should have said that originally."

"Hmm, I should probably call dad back in 3 minutes. Yes, in three minutes I am going to do that."


Now this list, is in no way exhaustive. It is sadly only a small fraction of the thoughts that go through my head.