So, as my task remains the same I have just been trying to subtly work up to a good encounter. I am not doing so well to be honest. Let me share some gems from last night:
Encounter 1:
I was completely minding my own business, avoiding eye contact with Manbeast 1 and having a general good time. Little did I know that I was about to be violated from behind with incredibly grotesque thrusting. In my attempts to sidle out of this situation I ended up becoming pinned against a wall. Manbeast 1, attempted to then pull probably one of the most romantic lines I have ever heard, "Wanna make out?"
"Yes! Dear God yes! I have been waiting my whole life, no wait, at least 3 whole lifetimes, to have you pin me up against a wall against my will and then suck my face. How did you ever guess?"
And even this comment was not clear enough apparently. I ended up having to do what I like to call the knee and push. I'm sure you can figure it out from there. Manbeast 1 continued to follow me around the rest of the evening dancing in more and more obscene ways. I was so glad to meet him. What a man.
Result Analysis:
Hmm. Manbeast 1 seems to confirm my beliefs. Highly interesting.
Encounter 2:
I went up to speak to Mr. Rugby after he called over with a nice smile. I thought to myself, oh my, I am about to have a good conversation! Joy, joy, joy! We actually did converse for a while: he told me all about his inability to commit to one woman and how he needs constant change and I nodded along but in my head I was really thinking that sounds like a policy to prevent hurt and to eliminate deep connections. But despite my intense desire to needle him, I just sweetly nodded along.
Anyhow, out of the blue he said, "Wow, you are so girly today. I have never seen you behave so much like a woman. What has happened? It is so different."
I said, "Hmm. I don't know, to the best of my knowledge, I have always been a girl, I am going to take this strange statement as a compliment."
"It's just so different. I just wanted to tell you that if you ever want a straight guy to bone you, I'm your man. In fact, right now, I can be your man."
"Oh em gee! I totally want that! What gave it away? Was it my womanly behavior?" I followed this up with a trip to the bathroom. I successfully avoided him the rest of the night.
Results Analysis:
Here's the thing, I would never meet a girl who would say anything like that to me in the course of a casual conversation. I am drawn to think this means something telling about the nature of man versus the nature of woman. Every encounter I have had of this variety has left me with evidence for my beliefs. But, of course, this only means I must continue on my quest for a pure man!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Updates on Task 6
"Faeez, tonight was wonderful. I hope you know that I love you very much."
She says this as she gives me one of her classic lift me off the floor, swing me all the way around hugs.
I write today triumphant! I was a perfect gentle woman all evening. I was civil and courteous to all those around me, I was only mildly sarcastic, and I even talked to boys without my usual leer of disapproval. I think Lee (it was her birthday after all) had a very pleasantly tipsy evening. I believe that I am most surprised by my reaction to events that on previous nights have sent me into a pit of deep darkness. There is a certain someone, let's call her, Person Y who I used to date and who still functions in a very substantial and integral part of my life. We still consider ourselves best friends despite our break up. I no longer hold any sort of romantic feelings for dear Person Y and am finally (and by that i mean FINALLLLY) feeling free of that part of our relationship. The evolution of it has been rocky due to my resistance but I am very glad we are what we are to each other these days. Despite not holding any sort of desire for Person Y, I often misbehave when I encounter her with other people. I get incredibly jealous. Now this jealousy is not of the, "I want you to be with me" variety but more of a "I worry that you will forget me" type. This jealousy also often gets misread and confusion ensues. These sentiments are of course not true. She has told me on multiple occasions that I will never stop mattering to her and that she will never stop loving me and beyond her words, her actions have proven to me that she is not going anywhere. Despite all this evidence to the contrary of my convictions, in social situations I begin to doubt the validity of her words. Last night however, I did not do any such thing. I actually, for once, forgot about being worried about losing her and just had fun.
Results Analysis:
While I am proud of my most excellent behavior last night, I don't know if this is telling of my future endeavors. I fear a relapse. I hope for no such thing!
She says this as she gives me one of her classic lift me off the floor, swing me all the way around hugs.
I write today triumphant! I was a perfect gentle woman all evening. I was civil and courteous to all those around me, I was only mildly sarcastic, and I even talked to boys without my usual leer of disapproval. I think Lee (it was her birthday after all) had a very pleasantly tipsy evening. I believe that I am most surprised by my reaction to events that on previous nights have sent me into a pit of deep darkness. There is a certain someone, let's call her, Person Y who I used to date and who still functions in a very substantial and integral part of my life. We still consider ourselves best friends despite our break up. I no longer hold any sort of romantic feelings for dear Person Y and am finally (and by that i mean FINALLLLY) feeling free of that part of our relationship. The evolution of it has been rocky due to my resistance but I am very glad we are what we are to each other these days. Despite not holding any sort of desire for Person Y, I often misbehave when I encounter her with other people. I get incredibly jealous. Now this jealousy is not of the, "I want you to be with me" variety but more of a "I worry that you will forget me" type. This jealousy also often gets misread and confusion ensues. These sentiments are of course not true. She has told me on multiple occasions that I will never stop mattering to her and that she will never stop loving me and beyond her words, her actions have proven to me that she is not going anywhere. Despite all this evidence to the contrary of my convictions, in social situations I begin to doubt the validity of her words. Last night however, I did not do any such thing. I actually, for once, forgot about being worried about losing her and just had fun.
Results Analysis:
While I am proud of my most excellent behavior last night, I don't know if this is telling of my future endeavors. I fear a relapse. I hope for no such thing!
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Lee Kehoe Challenge: Week 2
Task: This task echoes that of last week since I have failed to make good on my attempts. I have been told that I have not been approaching boys in the proper environment and that I have only done what would confirm my negative connotations. I would certainly beg to differ but since my agency in this particular aspect of the project is limited I will simply offer up a disgruntled sigh. Perhaps even two or three to make it clear how much I love doing this.
I suppose I plan on approaching men who are not drunk and perhaps in a setting that promotes conversation as opposed to interactions of the physical variety. I plan on doing this by approaching men I have previously written off as fools. I have three days left to do this. I will surely tackle this tomorrow.
I suppose I plan on approaching men who are not drunk and perhaps in a setting that promotes conversation as opposed to interactions of the physical variety. I plan on doing this by approaching men I have previously written off as fools. I have three days left to do this. I will surely tackle this tomorrow.
Task 6
Task: Do not be the hysterical mess I normally am at occasions that involve my good friends. The particular occasion I refer to is my friend's birthday tonight, January 29th 2010.
This may seem like a simple task to the untrained eye. But I assure you, it takes the skill of a ninja to accomplish. In all honesty, I find myself feeling incredibly ridiculous around my friends sometimes. I think it mostly has to do with my behavior for the past, oh lets say year. I have not been a fun girl to say the least. I find myself consistently feeling jealous. I feel like I am not as good as anyone else and I work myself into a negative fervor that usually results in a crying/throwing/screaming fit. As one might imagine, this is not something that even a good friend desires on multiple occasions. So, as the year has progressed, my relationships with my good friends have diminished in ways I wish they hadn't. I am totally at fault for much of it and I wish I could change it but I think much of the damage I have caused is beyond repair. Or perhaps the damage is of the type that requires time to heal. I suppose the one thing I do have is time. And the only thing I can do now to begin the process is show them that I am better through my actions. So tonight, my goal is to be happy in all cases and to behave. I have high hopes but also a high level of stress for this.
This may seem like a simple task to the untrained eye. But I assure you, it takes the skill of a ninja to accomplish. In all honesty, I find myself feeling incredibly ridiculous around my friends sometimes. I think it mostly has to do with my behavior for the past, oh lets say year. I have not been a fun girl to say the least. I find myself consistently feeling jealous. I feel like I am not as good as anyone else and I work myself into a negative fervor that usually results in a crying/throwing/screaming fit. As one might imagine, this is not something that even a good friend desires on multiple occasions. So, as the year has progressed, my relationships with my good friends have diminished in ways I wish they hadn't. I am totally at fault for much of it and I wish I could change it but I think much of the damage I have caused is beyond repair. Or perhaps the damage is of the type that requires time to heal. I suppose the one thing I do have is time. And the only thing I can do now to begin the process is show them that I am better through my actions. So tonight, my goal is to be happy in all cases and to behave. I have high hopes but also a high level of stress for this.
Task 5
Task: Meet Person X at 730pm at location Y for coffee as planned. Do not bail no matter how badly I want to.
Starting around 5pm I began feeling a tingling sensation in my stomach which eventually spread across my whole body. Around 630pm I began hunting for reasons not to go. What if we had nothing to talk about? I was driving her so it could end up going so very badly. What if she thought I was boring, weird, annoying or, *gasp* all of the above? What if she thought I was unbelievably ugly? What if she thought I was a loser? What if she thought I dressed unfortunately? And once again, what if we had nothing to talk about? I even thought about taking my handy dandy, super dorky kit for situations like this. The kit consists of a sheet of paper that has a list of conversation topics. You can judge me about this. I certainly judge myself. Around 720, after having spent the past 45 minutes in an anxiety ridden, jittery state of affairs, I changed my outfit 8 times, texted her about how I was running late and left.
I ordered a medium coffee with water. She ordered a latte. We sat by the window. We stayed until the shop closed. I was a hot mess the whole time. I found her to be genuine.
"Well, thanks for the ride, you've got my number, gimme a call if you want to do this again."
"You've got mine and can also call me you know." This line was delivered with a half smile.
Results Analysis:
I wish I could know if she was totally bored or not. I would do it again.
Starting around 5pm I began feeling a tingling sensation in my stomach which eventually spread across my whole body. Around 630pm I began hunting for reasons not to go. What if we had nothing to talk about? I was driving her so it could end up going so very badly. What if she thought I was boring, weird, annoying or, *gasp* all of the above? What if she thought I was unbelievably ugly? What if she thought I was a loser? What if she thought I dressed unfortunately? And once again, what if we had nothing to talk about? I even thought about taking my handy dandy, super dorky kit for situations like this. The kit consists of a sheet of paper that has a list of conversation topics. You can judge me about this. I certainly judge myself. Around 720, after having spent the past 45 minutes in an anxiety ridden, jittery state of affairs, I changed my outfit 8 times, texted her about how I was running late and left.
I ordered a medium coffee with water. She ordered a latte. We sat by the window. We stayed until the shop closed. I was a hot mess the whole time. I found her to be genuine.
"Well, thanks for the ride, you've got my number, gimme a call if you want to do this again."
"You've got mine and can also call me you know." This line was delivered with a half smile.
Results Analysis:
I wish I could know if she was totally bored or not. I would do it again.
Task 4
Task: Meet boys. Don't be mean to them. Don't be sarcastic. Try smiling.
Last night I went to Geneseo to visit my friend in her environment and to check out the legendary IB bar/barn. Before we left we went to a gathering filled with prime test subjects for my task at hand: Boys. Boys who play sports, who look manly, who were Indian, and who I would generally treat with very little respect. I was perfectly civil and courteous. I spoke with Person T for a long time and found him boring, but pleasant. I spoke with Person J for a bit longer and he was less boring but lacking substance. I spoke with Person T for an even shorter period of time and found his music interests to be most excellent. These were all experiences which I found to be mediocre. No one made me feel like flying and I felt no emotional, intellectual or physical connection. Typical of my interactions with most men to date.
The IB was something else. It was an experience in which I found myself constantly having to defend my territory, and by territory, I mean my body. The place was packed full of writhing bodies, and the music was vibrating through the floorboards. My darling friend pulled us all into the mass of moving bodies and I found myself amidst many people. I found myself feeling uncomfortable on several occasions. To name a few: I do not enjoy having myself grabbed without any sort of preparation or reason. I do not like being touched in my crotch region whilst dancing. I do not want hands to find their way into my pants! And finally, I most definitely do not enjoy having my face eaten off.
Results Analysis:
Confusion. Distrust still remains.
Last night I went to Geneseo to visit my friend in her environment and to check out the legendary IB bar/barn. Before we left we went to a gathering filled with prime test subjects for my task at hand: Boys. Boys who play sports, who look manly, who were Indian, and who I would generally treat with very little respect. I was perfectly civil and courteous. I spoke with Person T for a long time and found him boring, but pleasant. I spoke with Person J for a bit longer and he was less boring but lacking substance. I spoke with Person T for an even shorter period of time and found his music interests to be most excellent. These were all experiences which I found to be mediocre. No one made me feel like flying and I felt no emotional, intellectual or physical connection. Typical of my interactions with most men to date.
The IB was something else. It was an experience in which I found myself constantly having to defend my territory, and by territory, I mean my body. The place was packed full of writhing bodies, and the music was vibrating through the floorboards. My darling friend pulled us all into the mass of moving bodies and I found myself amidst many people. I found myself feeling uncomfortable on several occasions. To name a few: I do not enjoy having myself grabbed without any sort of preparation or reason. I do not like being touched in my crotch region whilst dancing. I do not want hands to find their way into my pants! And finally, I most definitely do not enjoy having my face eaten off.
Results Analysis:
Confusion. Distrust still remains.
Task 3
Task: Facing Actual Rejection
This task fell in my lap on the 21st. I was hoping, wishing, and praying for good news but what I received was not what I wanted. I was horribly disappointed. Here is the exact email I received:
Dear Faeeza,
Thank you very much for your interest in Teach For America and for the time and effort you invested in interviewing with us. I am very sorry to inform you that, after careful consideration of your candidacy, we are not able to extend you an offer to join the 2010 corps.
Your initiative in applying to Teach For America demonstrates your commitment to expanding opportunities for children and effecting social change, and we would like to offer all candidates a path to realizing these aims. This said, we know that Teach For America is not a fit for everyone. While acknowledging the limitations of any selection process, we have developed a set of admissions criteria over time that helps us identify those most likely to be successful in our particular program. We use the written application, transcripts, online recommendation forms, phone interview, and all parts of the interview day as lenses through which to view evidence related to these criteria.
We know that you have the potential to make a significant contribution to meeting our country's pressing social needs, and we encourage you to pursue other ways to make a difference. To assist you in your pursuit, we have posted on our website a list of recommended resources. If you also are interested in being contacted by other education and service-oriented organizations that may wish to recruit Teach For America applicants for similar opportunities, you can complete a short form here.
Although this e-mail may bring disappointment, I hope that your experience with Teach For America thus far has been positive. If you would like to share any anonymous feedback on our admissions process, we welcome your reflections and suggestions here.
Lastly, I am sorry that we are not able to provide individual feedback on admissions decisions, given that we do not have the resources to handle the volume of potential requests. We attempt to minimize the disappointment we know this can cause by being upfront about this policy in our application.
Again, thank you for the energy you invested in our admissions process. I wish you the best in your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Joshua Griggs
Results Analysis:
It was not good to receive bad news but I was somewhat prepared for it. I don't doubt my abilities in the least. I know I am fully capable and qualified. I am mostly sad that things are not all figured out yet. The future is a vast unknown. While in some ways that is incredibly comforting, the pressing practical issues of life are beginning to descend in on my spirit.
This task fell in my lap on the 21st. I was hoping, wishing, and praying for good news but what I received was not what I wanted. I was horribly disappointed. Here is the exact email I received:
Dear Faeeza,
Thank you very much for your interest in Teach For America and for the time and effort you invested in interviewing with us. I am very sorry to inform you that, after careful consideration of your candidacy, we are not able to extend you an offer to join the 2010 corps.
Your initiative in applying to Teach For America demonstrates your commitment to expanding opportunities for children and effecting social change, and we would like to offer all candidates a path to realizing these aims. This said, we know that Teach For America is not a fit for everyone. While acknowledging the limitations of any selection process, we have developed a set of admissions criteria over time that helps us identify those most likely to be successful in our particular program. We use the written application, transcripts, online recommendation forms, phone interview, and all parts of the interview day as lenses through which to view evidence related to these criteria.
We know that you have the potential to make a significant contribution to meeting our country's pressing social needs, and we encourage you to pursue other ways to make a difference. To assist you in your pursuit, we have posted on our website a list of recommended resources. If you also are interested in being contacted by other education and service-oriented organizations that may wish to recruit Teach For America applicants for similar opportunities, you can complete a short form here.
Although this e-mail may bring disappointment, I hope that your experience with Teach For America thus far has been positive. If you would like to share any anonymous feedback on our admissions process, we welcome your reflections and suggestions here.
Lastly, I am sorry that we are not able to provide individual feedback on admissions decisions, given that we do not have the resources to handle the volume of potential requests. We attempt to minimize the disappointment we know this can cause by being upfront about this policy in our application.
Again, thank you for the energy you invested in our admissions process. I wish you the best in your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Joshua Griggs
Results Analysis:
It was not good to receive bad news but I was somewhat prepared for it. I don't doubt my abilities in the least. I know I am fully capable and qualified. I am mostly sad that things are not all figured out yet. The future is a vast unknown. While in some ways that is incredibly comforting, the pressing practical issues of life are beginning to descend in on my spirit.
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